I pulled up the driveway and thought … Where's the barn?!? Oh right! It’s GONE. 

My daughter is helping out on a project of disassembling a large old barn. The last time I stood in this spot, a post and beam barn towered over me. Today, only a freshly poured cement slab foundation exists in the original footprint. Beams and boards are stacked in tidy piles and each item is carefully labeled.

We didn’t take family vacations for eighteen years. We’d get away for a weekend now and again, but our commitments to CTL - both time-wise and financially - curtailed leisure activity. But who needs a vacation when the power of The Work and the soul-gifts we received through our leader’s wisdom were bestowed on us every day? 😉 Back in our CTL days, my husband and I didn’t even think about vacations.

Can you guess my new favorite non-cult related book? It’s The Boys in the Boat. You may have heard about it or seen the George Clooney film. If you only saw the movie, you missed out on a beautifully written book. Author Daniel James Brown is carrying me through the outrageously inspiring and tumultuous journey of the 1930’s rowing team who took the gold at the Berlin Olympics in 1936 - during Hitler’s reign. 

Healthy relationships are perhaps the single most important foundation stone when building a fulfilling life. Here in the cult recovery circles, we know full well that discerning healthy ones from those that are fraught with coercive control is not always easy. Occasionally the best course of action is to cut ties. 

“The cwust is too haaawd,” wailed my three year old grandson when I handed him a piece of buttered toast. With a little nudging, he communicates his inclination clearly and asks for help. “Could you please cut off the cwust for me, gwamma?” He prefers to wear a doggie sock on one foot and a bunny sock on the other, rather than the traditional pairing. His delight in seeing the dog and rabbit side by side on his little feet dispelled my first instinct which was to insist on him wearing the socks, "properly". 

I am finding myself in a deep dive. I'm learning so much from clients, writing-to-reckoners, and through reading your email replies as well as a can't-put-it-down memoir, All Who Believed. Like layers of an onion, the importance of having and expressing one's opinion is being revealed to me, word by word, through those who were denied that birthright. 

When I was enmeshed in my ex-teacher’s narrative, it never occurred to me that I couldn’t change my mind at will. Part of Doug’s schtick included the idea that all CTL members were “free to come and go through the CTL revolving door.” And we did come and go. We could withdraw our membership and rejoin whenever we wanted to. As long as Doug approved, of course...

One of the best things about post- cult life is that I get to exercise my ‘freedom of mind’ muscles and change my mind when I need or want to. Today, I’m aware that this change may appear contradictory or unprofessional - and I feel vulnerable doing it - but that's not stopping me.