One thing has become increasingly clear: that the only way to truly heal from harmful interactions is to actually be in relationship with each other.

It happens every year. On a fine spring morning, I feel surprised, even shocked, to see where the sun rises. ☀️ This - regardless of the fact that my daily walks afford me ample consistency to track this detail. Year after year, walking the same trails. 

Most weeks, my Tuesday writing group is where my words and thoughts coalesce for this Wednesday newsletter. I typically arrive with a partially marinated idea of what I want to share with you and in the course of an hour, a short essay is born. Not this week. 🥹

I was a loser in CTL, the cultic group I was in for 18 years. I was one of the ones who'd never make it. I watched newbies enter the group and climb the leadership ladder while I stayed ever hopeful at the bottom. I was groomed to celebrate their ascent. Loyalty to my teacher, to the “depth, integrity and beauty” of what we were all striving for, was stitched securely into my psyche, making me a devoted student. 😇

I rarely recall my dreams these days, but I recently woke from a dream where a man asked me to get him something. We were in public and I was heading to an event with a friend. I was focused on getting directions on my phone. When I didn’t immediately respond to the man’s request, he told his nearby crony She's so distracted she can't think straight. 

... As survivors of cultic abuse - and citizens of an authoritarian coup - it will behoove us to see controlling dynamics for what they are: the constantly changing goal posts, blustering rhetoric, and irrational, damaging actions are all techniques that are designed to destabilize us.

Last week, I gave a book reading in the sweetest cafe: Shipwrecked, on the shore of the Hudson River, two doors down from a restaurant run by a cultic group. I read a smattering of passages from my memoir, An Everyday Cult.

My pursuit to know my nervous system through poly vagal work continues, leading me to some surprising discoveries. This exploration is a very private process, complete with a LOT of long pauses, some head scratching, many sighs and every so often a resounding ah ha. Sometimes painful, but always worthy.