Rupture - but NO repair?
When NOT to pursue repair after a rupture?
It wasn’t a question of if - only when.
The dynamics between ‘first buddy’ and his power-filled ally, Mr Trump fall into predictable patterns that unfold in so many, if not all, cultic systems.
Unequal, manipulative power dynamics are an essential ingredient for a ‘healthy’ cult. Hidden hierarchies create narcissistic buffers, protecting the status of the head honcho. But cracks in the walls of indoctrination will form and transactional relationships falter. Big, narcissistic egos can only cooperate for so long.
Eleven years ago I was oblivious to these patterns when a drama unfolded in CTL (the group I had been devoted to for 18 years). At that time, I could only see through my rose-tinted glasses that my teacher Doug possessed extraordinary insight and could do no wrong. My psyche was entrenched in narratives that had wooed and indoctrinated me into a way of being that was far removed from my values and my core self. But a crisis hit when six group teachers (who collectively created a kind of ‘first buddy’) cracked the sacred group-think vessel. Much like Musk, they said NO to the emperor.
When this rupture happened, I believed that repair was not only possible, but it was essential for “The Work” and for all of us - individually and collectively. I pined for our experimental family to be whole once again. This naivety was brief. Fortunately for me, I snapped out of the cult coma and Doug fell from the throne that my hijacked psyche had built for him.
But my desire for repair after a relationship rupture persists to this day. I have a die-hard optimism for healing and integration after an argument or misunderstanding. Just today, when discussing a complex family issue, my therapist commented that my “desire for meaningful repair is very strong”. It’s true. Unfortunately, it’s not always a good thing.
I’ve learned the hard way that not all relationships are created equal. I’ve learned the hard way that sometimes repair is not possible. I’ve learned the hard way that when relationships are primarily transactional, pursuing repair is meaningless, messy, and might backfire. (A groveling apology - like Musk gave Trump - can only lead to more of the same.)
An essential element of healing from cultic relationships is developing discernment around complex issues. This is where picking up your pen, (or tapping your fingers on your keyboard) can be incredibly helpful. What relationship trials have you learned from? Creating space in your day to write about them helps with the integration process.
There are two openings in this Friday’s Writing to Reckon class. Writing and sharing your words with fellow survivors can be a profound learning experience. Come experience it for yourself. Register for $30.
Writing helps us heal.
Gerette
PS: I'd also love to hear your positive experiences with the cycle of "rupture and repair". Exercising these muscles in healthy relationships builds resilience. Right?
