I was a loser in CTL, the cultic group I was in for 18 years. I was one of the ones who'd never make it. I watched newbies enter the group and climb the leadership ladder while I stayed ever hopeful at the bottom. I was groomed to celebrate their ascent. Loyalty to my teacher, to the “depth, integrity and beauty” of what we were all striving for, was stitched securely into my psyche, making me a devoted student. 😇

I rarely recall my dreams these days, but I recently woke from a dream where a man asked me to get him something. We were in public and I was heading to an event with a friend. I was focused on getting directions on my phone. When I didn’t immediately respond to the man’s request, he told his nearby crony She's so distracted she can't think straight. 

... As survivors of cultic abuse - and citizens of an authoritarian coup - it will behoove us to see controlling dynamics for what they are: the constantly changing goal posts, blustering rhetoric, and irrational, damaging actions are all techniques that are designed to destabilize us.

Last week, I gave a book reading in the sweetest cafe: Shipwrecked, on the shore of the Hudson River, two doors down from a restaurant run by a cultic group. I read a smattering of passages from my memoir, An Everyday Cult.

My pursuit to know my nervous system through poly vagal work continues, leading me to some surprising discoveries. This exploration is a very private process, complete with a LOT of long pauses, some head scratching, many sighs and every so often a resounding ah ha. Sometimes painful, but always worthy.

Does life feel uncertain these days? Are you finding yourself surveying the scene for damage - real, imagined, and feared? 🥹

A BIG question about BIG lies. 

I was one of 89 individuals to show up live and in person for Town Meeting in our small town of 3,020 residents. I also was one of over 34,000 Vermonters to show up on zoom for a Town Hall with congressional delegates Becca Balint, Peter Welsh and the now famous socialist democrat Bernie Sanders. Each of our three elected officials gave brief statements leaving the bulk of the meeting for Q and A.

Last night, a loud THWUMP startled me awake in the middle of the night. I knew what it was. My husband said he heard it start -a scraping, wruuut wruuut sound before the impact. We turned over and fell back asleep. 💤

Being the early riser in our home, I saw it first: the entire railing outside the front door was ripped off, collapsed under the weight of the heavy spring snow.